5 Signs Your Book Relationship is Going Nowhere

We've all been there.  Happily reading along when suddenly you turn the page and... That cursed white page at the end of the book stares back at you, daring you to pull out your lemons and hairdryers to see if the writer wrote a secret message or another page to the book (Disclaimer: there's never a secret message, and it would be book torture to force your book to go through that in the hopes that your dreams would come true, so please put the lemon down).


If it's the end of the series, it's even worse, because that boy or girl you've been majorly crushing on throughout the book is at an end.  And, to make matters worse, they will never be placed in a new situation again (Unless, of course, you read fanfiction).  Now, you can go back and reread all their scenes until your eyes bleed, but there are some clear signs that your book relationship is doomed to failure:

1. Your book crush will one day be younger than you.  Like, a lot younger.  Extremely younger.  If you're lucky enough to live to 100, that man or woman of your dreams is still going to be 18 or 25 or 39 (Those aren't the only ages, just examples, you overzealous readers).  Anyway, while the relationship is sure to be great and all for awhile (Can we say summer romance?) there is no way you can prevent the aging process long enough to be with them for eternity.  Unless, of course, you're Peter Pan, but if you were Peter Pan you couldn't love someone anyway.  Then there's the whole vampire thing, and if you happen to know a vampire please let me know.  I will apologize to them from a very long distance.
2. You'd have to fight the main character for them.  Okay, so I could totally take some of those girls down if I do say so myself, but it seems a little unfair to bring them into this.  I mean, they don't know that an entire fandom is drooling over their love interest.  It's not their fault the author made them so dreamy.  However, every time their relationship cracks, we all secretly giggle in glee that our guy or girl is suddenly back on the market (although, at the same time we expect them to get back together to stop the whining going on through the next few chapters).  And honestly, after all the time and effort we put into shipping them together, it would seem wasteful to suddenly take them apart.
3. He/She never comes up with new conversation starters.  Let's be honest.  You can only live off the written dialogue so long before you start to get annoyed.  Yeah, yeah, yeah, you can recite poetry, but can't you change it up?  And dude, try to come up with new situations to say I love you.  It's like they're living in their own fantasy world...  Well.  It's like you're having a one-sided relationship, where you're putting in way too much effort. Honestly, sometimes you have to know when to throw in the towel.
4. You have to drag them everywhere. Yeah, so they'll meet in the bookstore for shelf dates without you asking, but otherwise it's like you're constantly lugging them everywhere.  Their extra baggage makes your purse or bag heavy, and they never once offer to help you with that.  Seriously, it's like they've never heard of manners.  It'd be nice if they'd get the check or explain the weird looks you get from waiters, but they're sorely lacking in that type of dialogue.  They're like that needy date that forces you to do it all.  Annnnnnnd...
5. Despite the growing acceptance across the country, it is still illegal to marry a fictional character in all 50 states.  And honestly, if this relationship isn't going anywhere, why even bother?  Yeah, summer flings are great, but when they stick around through fall and winter without offering any commitment whatsoever, and when you KNOW they're off with other girls and guys all the time, is it really worth it?  The answer is no, but it's going to take my heart some time to come around to it.

So, yeah.  Fictional Relationships, not so great.  It won't stop me from loving them, but maybe I'll be able to keep my distance in the future.  Or... you know, I could start the relationship anyway because I know one day someone will create a machine to bring them to life, and when that day comes, I'll be ready.


But he's mine, so you should really move on.